Fear this!

Fear of screwing up.

Fear of letting someone down.

Fear of losing a friend. 

Fear of hurting someone’s feelings.

Fear of what will happen.

Fear of failing. 

 

ENOUGH!

 

When did fear creep in?  When did I “Ok” it to take over me?  Well I’m over it!  This wasn’t me.  This IS NOT going to be me now.  I refuse to believe that this is ok.  Let’s face it, we all screw up, right?  We all will fail at some point or another.  So why worry??  Beats me!!  But I do!

I came across this verse that I hear so often but never took the time to look up. 2 Timothy chapter 1 verse 7, For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.  There you have it folks… the good Book just confirmed it.

I have way too many things going on to be in a bondage by fear.  I keep coming back to this thought and I’m ready to act on it.  I have obviously hit bottom a few times in my 27 years.  Financially, in relationships, working… you name it.  Just read earlier posts.  I haven’t always got it right.  Shoot, very few times has it been right! :)  Writing this today I feel so consumed with His love I couldn’t help to share what I’ve been struggling with.

Whew… who feels better?  :)  oh oh pick me!

Jen

Late night thoughts

Intriguing title eh? As the BF and I discuss plans for vacation and what to pack (in particular what I am responsible for picking up tomorrow) I can’t help think of my dear *friend *Sally. (*Changed her name so she won’t get mad at me for writing this).

See, she is one of those women that will drive you crazy. She is set in her ways, slightly stubborn and can be hard to fight with. But that is it. Even those few things you love her dearly. She will stand beside you in a fire storm if you ask her. She will be your prayer warrior and I mean faithful prayer warrior. You can count on her. Even when she drives you crazy just 5 minutes ago she is there for you. And tonight my heart goes out to her.

*Sally has the tendency to try and make everyone around her happy, and comfortable. Yes you could say she is a people pleaser.. but in the sweetest way. Tonight is one of those nights she put her heart out there and got smashed just a lil. I know it will make her skin a lil tougher for the next time and maybe she will be a lil more guarded. But each time I hear of this happening I pray it doesn’t jade her. She is who she is because she is a beautiful creation from up above. She is a good mother, friend, sister, wife, daughter.. all the above. And I don’t think she gives herself enough credit. She has a huge heart, and when you have a huge heart you reach out to people. When you reach out to people you get hurt. I know this. I have felt those feelings. But Bible says “you owe no man but to love him”, so sometimes we are called to love on those that will hurt us and that is ok.

I’m not sure if she will read this but I do love her! She drives me crazy though… {had to make sure that last one was in there} :)

On to another note… VACATION!!! Ok, before that I had such a frustrating day! I do not like writing out plans and business models for myself!!! I MEAN DISLIKE VERY MUCH! I know why that is, the BF made a point to tell me… it doesn’t make me money or at least right now it doesn’t. I know it will one day come in handy and I am laying a good foundation for it… but I DISLIKE! If it had a DISLIKE button I would be repeatedly smashing it!!!!! So tomorrow I get to actually do fun stuff and Thursday I’ll be back to that boring stuff…

Vacation is just a few days away and I had so much fun picking up the food with others that will be there on the beach with us. I can not wait!

Well kids, that is all for now… NIGHT =)

Resignation

Oh snap!
I did it.
Typed up a resignation letter.
Handed it to the boss.

As of Monday, June 11, 2012, I, Jen Raney, took the leap of faith, and quit my day job to follow a dream. A dream that is now a reality. After six months of trying to work full time, a part time job and my biz on the side, I had enough.  I can’t do it all.  And doing it all is not what makes me happy.  I have wanted to work for myself for such a long time, but had a huge fear of failing.  A fear of what others would think.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of 10 years down the road and regretting not trying won that fight.  Up until now, the last 5 or so years of my life I have spent fighting. Fighting for what I believe in, my happiness, and for what I ‘feel’ God had for me. What would make this any different? I’ll tell you… I’m putting 110% trust in the Lord that He will provide.  Yea, I trust God. Yea, I trusted Him in relationships and ‘stuff’, but I haven’t financially.  I tithe pretty consistently.  I give extra when I have it.  But I’ve been holding back.

There has been signs.
Confirmation from close friends, family and mentors.
Extra pushes from loved ones saying “you can do it”
I’m starting to come around.

Monday was so emotional.  I had an amazing weekend with amazing people.  Work was heavy on my mind.  I wanted to get back into the Marketing but due to circumstances it was a tough fight to keep that focus with added responsibility.  I had allowed myself to get emotionally attached there.  Its a great place. Beautiful place. Good people.  But something was missing. I’m still not sure what that something was or is, but it’s not there. And it is affecting me.  After a lot of soul searching, praying, talking, listening, crying, and pleading it was obvious what needed to be done.

Several years ago I had an idea. That idea turned into a project. Project turned into a client.  Client turned into a check and so on.  A close friend of me stated, “Jen, one day we are going to look back with awe of where God has brought you.” At that point in my life I was already amazed where He brought me from.  I wasn’t expecting this.

It’s happening.
Holy Crap I’m doing it.
Changes. And scared to death.

Change is good. I like change. It stretches you. Makes you tougher.  This change is insane!  I went through my budget making a list of things to cut out. Trying to balance out finishing out my ‘term’ before I officially am resigned and trying to get the biz going is overwhelming. I feel like I’m spinning my wheels and I should be further along than I am.  Oh and then doubt sets in.  Can I really do this? Am I good enough? Will I be able learn and grow my skills? Can I make a living from this?

This is the part that is pretty neat…. since I’m struggling with believing in myself, God strategically put people in my life to be that extra nudge.  Family- my lil prayer warrior sister who drives me crazy but when I need her to lay aside our differences she steps up and be’s just what I need her to be.  My dad saying, ‘you know it, do what makes you happy. God will work it out’.  Mentor, “you have favor… so walk in it”.  Friends saying “why not?!”. A BF that says, “i believe in you and I’m for you” a God that is more powerful and all knowing.  And here am I…. kicking and screaming the whole way.  Well they win.  I’m not saying I don’t have doubts and in myself, but I’m going to give this all I got.  So stick around, because big things are ahead.  I do believe that.

P.S. Before I accepted what I was about to do and while I was out with the BF we went shopping!  Mind you, this is probably the last time I’m going to be able to spend like this… but I’m so excited!  If you know me I love Coach! So I picked up a new purse :) Also, due to limited funds and being on a budget I’m canceling my gym membership. Thankfully I bought this lil numbers!

I’ve ran two 5K’s so far this year and I’m signed up for at least one more.  The goal is to work toward a mini.  I rarely run outside though.  This is my motivation to change that. Apparently these are the best when it comes to running shoes.

 

I’ll keep you posted :)

 

More than a Conqueror

This morning my heart is heavy.  What I’m about to write isn’t a complaint.  I am blessed beyond measure.  There is nothing that I’m going through is really ‘that bad’ compared to the next person.  But at the same time I can’t minimize how I feel.  For me, on the outside I try to keep a “I got this!” persona, more often than not on the inside I’m running 5 steps behind from where I should be.  It’s frustrating really.  I want to be everything to everyone that calls on me.  The truth is, I can’t.  There is NOTHING IN ME that can.  I can try and do and try and do and work but I’ll always come up short.

 

Ok, with that said… get this… there is someone through me that can.  His name is Jesus Christ.  I’ve been struggling with holding on to somethings in my life.  Trying to do it all alone, but the fact is I’m not alone.  My best friend and personal Lord and Saviour is just waiting for me to call on His Name.  You are probably thinking, this girl has been raised in church she should know better.  Well stop thinking that.  If all ‘believers’ are honest and REAL with themselves this is such a battle.  Everything in our flesh wants to sin.  The Bible says that.  We are no good on our own.  BUT with Him all things are possible.  (“Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible”" Matthew 19:26) .   I want to tap into that.  I want to stop reaching my capacity but start operating in God through me ability.

 

This week has been rough.  Not only am I uber sensitive and emotional this week (ladies you know what that means for this week…) But with the 3 jobs I work I’m behind.  Let’s face it I’m always behind and I can’t stand it.  Stuff at work has been crazy and I’m struggling to get prioritized.  I work from the time I wake up till the time I go to sleep most days (thanks B, I didn’t realize it until you told me that) but never done.  Then when things hit the fan I want to shake my fist and cry out to God why!?!  I get mad.  I want to ask God where are you, why are you letting this happen?  As much as I know God appreciates my honesty, I get reminded of my fav chapter Romans 8 and starting in verse 18, “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”  then skip to verse 35 through 39, “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?  As it is written: ”For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,t neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” NIV.  

 

What does all that mean? The fact is, nothing will separate us from Him and His love.   Life will get tough, because no where does it say it will be easy.  What we go through is worth it compared to what ultimate price God paid for me and my sins.  So even though I screw up all the time and I don’t walk this straight and narrow path, God is there.  Every step.  In every day, hour, minute, second…He is there.  So today I’m encouraged.  Things are not perfect nor are they ‘fixed’, but I know that it is all worth it.  There is a purpose for all that is going on… (ohhhhhh  next blog topic just happened :) ).

In closing, what’s next? Next, pray, read and ask Him for direction.  I ask Him how to tackle these projects and I never forget to thank Him for what I do have, because if He didn’t think I could handle it then I wouldn’t have been given this walk.  So He must think I’m special :).

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